Confessions of A… Woman

So today is the day I have been waiting for for weeks now and it went exactly how I expected it to go and not at all like I thought at the same time. 
Rewind a little, in 2017 I started having anxiety attacks. I really didn’t think much of it as I am a military wife and mother. I pretty much chalked it up to stress and I had my fair share of it at this point. I had a senior in high school my sister, my husband just got back from a deployment, I had a 5 year old, a ten year old and a newborn with a lot of health issues that I was trying to breastfeed. Like every other woman out there I had a lot to “stress” about. 

Fast forward 2018, life was throwing new curve balls my way. I started having more medical issues on top of anxiety and depression (postpartum) that was starting to affect how I was living. I was starting to be overwhelmed by fear when trying to tackle things like going to the gym. Something that once brought me so much peace was causing me so much pain. 
My husband at the time was tackling his on battles and being countries away didn’t help my feelings at all. It actually made it worse, way worse.  I started seeking medical help. I was prescribed some anxiety medication, but with all my symptoms my PCM (primary care manager) did a full blood panel. 
At the time I didn’t think much past the fact that I didn’t want to be on “crazy” pills. I also didn’t want to feel all over the place anymore. I also wanted to not overthink so much that i would become frozen with fear. 

Two weeks went by, Well the blood work can back and it was irregular. “What does that even mean?” I remember thinking. 
I do not hear anything the PCM is saying after those words. 
IRREGULAR? Does this lady know who she is talking with? Has she not heard anything I have said to her about how much I overthink? Is she still talking? Am I OK? 
“Ms. Johnson?!”
Wait, what?
I snap back to the hear and now. So what does all that mean? My PCM goes on to tell me that it’s nothing really serious. “You couldn’t lead with that?” So at the end of the appointment I am anemic, I have a “weird thyroid panel” that they are just going to check again in 6 weeks. 

This morning I wake up and I get to go to the Endocrinologist. Honestly for so many reasons I am all over the place with how this appointment is going to go. 
I’m sitting there going over all my history, family medical history, current medications and how I came to be sitting in this chair having a conversation with this specialist. I blab my full life story like only a mother that has just spent all summer with very little adult interaction can do.  

It’s time for the hands on exam she barley touched my throat and says yep you have some nodules on there. Your thyroid is pretty swollen we are going to send you for some more blood work, an ultrasound of your thyroid and a biopsy. She barley touched me, is all I keep thinking. She hands me a few pieces of paperwork. She goes on to talk about the medication she is giving me, how it is very important to take it properly and the diet she expects me to maintain. 
I’m still sitting there a few minutes later confused. Nodules, ultrasounds and biopsies. Did not expect any of that!

Look, I get it. Nothing has happened I just got some off putting information but today right now I am upset. Depressed by this news. As a full time mother I don’t get “sick leave” I have to move forward tomorrow. But today right now I am just going to feel how I’m feeling. 
Please pray for me, send well wishes my way, throw good vibes out, or whatever you do. 
Love me or Hate me, Chrissy Jay 😘

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